The more I work with couples and learn about them, the harder it gets for me to agree with the saying, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” To be sure, some experts believe that only 10% of our communication is done verbally, whereas 90% is through nonverbal ways such as the body language, facial expression, and tone of voice. Without undermining the power of nonverbal communication, I want to call your attention to the what part of communication. Oftentimes, when a couple is arguing, words alone can cut and hurt each other. If such a negative pattern of communication is allowed to fester, it may soon chip away the marriage and threaten to destroy the very foundation of the relationship. Continue reading →

So, you disagree with your partner from time to time. You may even fight. Big deal. It always blows over, and you make up. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, it really depends on what you say in the heat of the argument. According to marriage researcher John Gottman, who spent decades studying the behavior of thousands of couples as they interact with each other in his laboratory, there are four destructive forces that often surface in any negative interaction. They don’t necessarily spell doom for the marriage (despite their ominous name, the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse), but their repeated appearances can rapidly erode the relationship. What are they? What can you do to prevent them from wearing you and your partner down? Read on. Continue reading →